Tuesday, September 26, 2006

What the hell???

There are times in life that are just too overwhelming and you are not completely sure you can get through it. But at the same time, you ponder "What if I can't get through it? How does that play out? If I can't get through it, what exactly does that mean?" After searching the options of "not getting through it" most of the time people just flea to their bedroom and fall into as deep a sleep as possible, for as long as possible. You live in a whole new world when you are asleep. All the unsolvable problems following you around go away for awhile. When you are asleep, you are free to laugh, free to love, free to kiss, free to eat as much junk food as you want. You can attain the beauty you can never attain in the waking world (or sometimes your're just naked-- those are scary dreams!). Sometimes you are a hero. Sometimes you are pregnant. Whatever your desires, you can acheive them while asleep.
But sleep is temporary. When you awake, you are met by the unsolvable, overwhelming world you left only moments before. So this option of sleep is not a healer, merely some temporary pain relief-- like tylenol.
In times such as these, I always find myself asking, not in an accusing way, but merely curiously, "Why would God let this happen to us today?" Then I go through all the reasons why we did not deserve such troubles. Today these same thought poured through my head as I sat by the side of 694 in my newly repaired, but now dead, car. My diligent husband, and his friend, spent hours and weeks fixing this car for me. We lived like paupers for weeks and weeks, unable to even buy bread, milk or butter because the car repairs were so costly. And now, only my second day driving my brand new car, it died along the highway. My amazing husband came to rescue me. As for the car... I'd like to drive it off a cliff and laugh as I watch is fall.
But today as I sat in my dead car, a new thought came to me.
"When is the last time you actually RELIED on God?" I tend, as most people, to get things done myself. When I hit a titanium wall (screw bricks, I can push my way through those, I am stubborn) it is only then that I realize I have a Friend willing to help me even in the small stuff and usually I only "use" him to get me through the big stuff. I am such a loser. If I treated any of you that way, would you want to be my friend? Well, I wouldn't be yours if you did that to me.

I know that God did not make my car die. He knew it would happen, but he also knew it would be a great chance for me to turn to Him for help, rather then just get mad, overwhelmed and go to bed. (Which is where I am now.)
So I will work on it. I cannot say that I am so good that I had this revelation and then took action. I am still human, and it is extremely difficult to submit and to let go. I am trying to trust God with all my heart, but I know I am a work in progress. So if any of you have a moment today, say a little prayer for me.

5 comments:

Cara said...

What the hell is right? What the hell happened to your car now? I will definitely pray for you, and pulleeeez let us know if there is anything we can do to help you guys out. Josh and I are usually notorius for having the worst luck with cars, but you may have just surpassed us!

I must say that I was really impressed with your blog. I knew exactly what you were talking about becasue I, too, have been there many times. Maybe together we can pray that God will bring meaning to our lives through the situtaions that He allows us to be in, and instead of feeling sorry for ourselves and "going to bed to avoid our issues" (I do this frequently because you feel so refreshed when you awaken!), that we will learn to rely on Him for His unending mercy and strength.....

MAKE it a great day! (My new motto)

erin said...

I think Cara about summed it all up. I've been thinking about your blog all day (I read it early this morning), and maybe just be thankful that you have the means to fix the car (i.e. Richard and Jared), and aren't forced to rely on a mechanic $$$. Moreover, I am thankful for the friendships behind that dumb car, if you know what I mean.

erin said...

I think Cara about summed it all up. I've been thinking about your blog all day (I read it early this morning), and maybe just be thankful that you have the means to fix the car (i.e. Richard and Jared), and aren't forced to rely on a mechanic $$$. Moreover, I am thankful for the friendships behind that dumb car, if you know what I mean.

erin said...

What I had to say was so important, Blogger chose to publish it twice. Woohoo.

kristi noser said...

Girl, your maturity impresses me. To be able to see so much of your shortcomings and cry to God for help while in the midst of trial is amazing. I usually try to pretend the troubles aren't there, and what kind of trouble does tht get me in? YIKES!

Oh, and I'm telling your mom you said "hell"