October 15th

Monday, October 15th, was Baby Loss Remembrance Day. My town held a candle lighting vigil in remembrance of all babies lost to miscarriage, SIDS, stillbirth, abortion, ectopic pregnancy, or any other reason. I decided to attend this year in honor of Flynn.

I walked in and my first thought was "What am I doing here? I don't belong!" There were tables set up full of mementos and pictures of sweet baby faces in the arms of loving parents, grandparents, siblings... There were photo albums full of pictures of these beautiful babies. There were blankets, and picture frames and special toys with names inscribed upon them. Because so many of those attending had lost their babies at birth, or a week before their due date, or to SIDS 8 months after they were born. I lost Flynn at 7 weeks 5 days. I have no mementos but a positive pregnancy test. I did not get to see Flynn's face, or kiss his cheek, or hold him in my arms like all of these other grieving parents. I brought a full box of kleenex and used about half of it.

One of my good friends also attended, and she made sure to stick by me through the whole event. At one point I voiced my thoughts to her about feeling out of place, and that I felt very guilty about feeling that way because that was like saying Flynn's life didn't matter as much. Why should I feel out of place?  I lost a baby too. How can I say my loss was less significant? Because he was smaller than other babies lost? Because he was less developed? No. He was alive. He was real. He lived inside of me. Tears of joy were shed for him by friends and family when we learned he was growing in me. His little life was celebrated.

The ceremony was beautiful. It was held in an outdoor pavilion in the evening. There were about 70 in attendance and we all gathered around and one by one went around the circle and said the name of the baby we lost and lit a candle in their honor. At the end of the ceremony, the darkness of the night was glowing with all of the candles everyone held. It was the most beautiful, most heart-wrenching sight watching the candlelight dance off the tears streaming down the faces of all those parents. And while it was heart-wrenching, it was also healing. It was healing to hear the names aloud and validate their lives. I highly recommend attending an event in your area if you have lost a baby at any stage. October 15th is National Baby Loss Remembrance Day, and every year across the nation, similar events are held. Check out www.october15th.com to find a similar event in your area.

This is a poem my dear friend, Carla had out at the vigil that made me cry again (of course):

I never held you in my arms,

You didn't have a name,

I didn't get to know you,

but I loved you just the same.

I never knew your laughter,

I never heard you cry,

And yet, we shared my body;

Together, you and I.

And in those brief, but precious days,

My little girl, or boy,

You brought me so much happiness,

My cheeks felt tears of joy.

For I knew that in His wisdom,

Our Father up above,

Saw fit to bless our family with,

You, His gift of LOVE.

 

Sophia- sapphire
Jazlyn- rose quartz
Broderic- aquamarine
Flynn- ruby
Giovanni- diamond

July 25th

This is not a post I particularly want to write, but I am forcing myself to.

Today is July 25th. A date that will be permenantly engraved in my mind.

I have been grimacing at my calendar for the past month, watching this day approach. I have cringed every time I see the date, slowly bringing me one day closer to this one.

One year ago today was one of the most difficult days of my life. I lost my precious baby to a miscarriage. We named that baby Flynn Vidal (Full of life!), and we buried him in our front garden. I am grateful for the brief life he had growing inside of me, and rejoice knowing that our sweet baby is in his forever-home in heaven now. That he is in Jesus' presence. That he is not experiencing the pain of this world, but instead marveling in God's love and mercy.

But I also mourn the life we missed out on. Flynn would have been 4 months old now. It is a difficult thing to bury your child, no matter how small.

Here is a video we made last year, when we had a "Celebration of Life" in honor of Flynn.

Moving Forward

I must confess, I have had a hard time posting again, (even though I have no shortage of material to post) because as soon as I publish a new post, that means that the posts about Flynn aren't on top anymore. They aren't the first thing I see when I log on. As the days march on, the hurt of losing Flynn grows a little dimmer, and that terrifies me. So I log on at least once a day to watch the "Tribute to Flynn" video. I don't want to forget. I want to remember Flynn and what he meant to me, to our family, just as much as the day we lost him.

But God is healing my heart, and teaching me that I will never forget our precious babe. That it is okay to continue with normal life. That moving forward, does not mean forgetting. So here come the posts... Flynn will always be in my heart, even if he is not the topic of my latest post.

Tribute to Flynn

This is much more for my benefit than any of yours. It was a crucial step for me in grieving and moving forward. I need to make sure Flynn's life, though it was very short, is still recognized as a life. He was here. He was part of our family. Part of our present. Part of our future. So I made this video to capture the memories we made as a family during his short life. So I can look back and remember these days.

Celebration of Life

We set today aside as a celebration of life in honor of Flynn. Jared took the day off, and we spent the morning together as a family.

First thing this morning, we woke up and headed to Lakefront Park to feed the ducks

Next stop, the CANDY SHOP. Naturally.

Knokes





Then, off to the park...

the boys chillin at the park

Sophie Cole

The Brode Toad!

Restin with Mama

Jazi Lu

i love him.

By that time, the kids needed naps, and Mom and Dad needed some quality time alone to digest everything. So my amazing sister, Anna, came to play with the kids while we escaped for awhile. We enjoyed a delicious lunch at Agave Kitchen, talked, cried together, and made the final decision on his middle name, Vidal (full of life).

It wasn't all smiles today. Many tears were shed. I broke down (again) when our onion petals arrived and this was the first one Jared picked up.

YUM-O

Chimichanga!

Me and my loves

Tonight, to finish off the celebration, I am making a big batch of banana smoothie. For the past several weeks during the pregnancy, one of the things that always sounded good when nothing else did, was a banana smoothie. Ironic, since I'm normally not crazy about banana flavored things. But I guess Flynn was ; )

Flynn Vidal

Flynn Vidal

The good Lord saw fit to invite our sweet precious baby to live with Him in heaven today. Through our deep sadness at missing out on Flynn's life here in our family, we know in our hearts that he got the best life possible right from the start. So we have cause to be jealous of sweet baby Flynn.

We told Sophia and Jazlyn how wonderful their brother's life is in Heaven, and that he is playing with Jesus, and Grandma Jan, right now. Sophia has shed several tears for her lost sibling, which is one of the first glimpses of true compassion we have seen born in her heart (and thus makes Mama burst into a fresh round of tears).

HIS NAME 

FLYNN

I was seven weeks along when Flynn went to his new home. We asked Sophia and Jazlyn if they thought the baby was a boy or girl. They both shouted "BOY!" So there ya have it. It was a boy. And when asked what we should name our baby boy, Sophia dreamily crooned, "Flynn Ryyyyder." (Tangled, anyone?) Jazlyn agreed wholeheartedly. And that's how Flynn was chosen.

VIDAL

Jared has a lot of Italian blood in his veins, so we had decided last week that for this baby we wanted to choose an Italian name. After I realized I was miscarrying, I felt an urgent need to find a perfect name to honor our precious baby. When I read the meaning of the name "Vidal," I couldn't hold it together anymore. I knew it was the right name. It was perfect. Vidal means "full of life." We know that Flynn is more full of life now than he ever would've been here.

We love you Flynn Vidal.