The Outting

This afternoon, I thought I would take a nice jaunt to the store. I strapped in the kids, and off we went. All I needed to get was two pairs of infant's pants. Easy.
We arrived at the store, and immediately upon entering, Jazlyn took a seat and removed her shoes. Sophia thought sitting looked fun, and plopped down next to her sister. They conveniently chose a spot that would block the most traffic of entering patrons. Meanwhile, I was strapping Brody into a cart, dropping my purse, picking it, then dropping my keys, then tripping as I turned to the girls to remove the dam they jointly created. Great start.

We proceeded to the baby section. While I searched vainly for the perfect pants (they apparently don't have their fall collection out yet. Shorts galore.), the girls played cat-and-mouse, chasing each other throughout the entire baby section, screaming each time one of them rounded a corner. I always knew where they were. So did everyone else. Meanwhile, the distinct smell of diarrhea prickled my nose. I looked down at my young son, who looked back at me innocently. The diaper bag was in the car. Okay, pick the pants quickly and let's get outta here. Brody did not like that decision and tried with all the desperation in his body (which was a lot) to let me know just how miserable and unhappy his life was. Jazlyn, where are your shoes? Brody wanted freedom. So I plucked him from his cart cage and set him on the floor. I turned back to the pants, which I had not actually had a chance to look at yet. Three seconds later, I flicked my eyes over my shoulder to check on the boy. Gone. I found him on the other side of the baby section. How?! I scooped him up and returned him to his cart cage. NOT HAPPY.

Back to the pants. Blue. Good. Brown. Good, but khaki or chocolate? Hmm. Khaki. No, chocolate. Khaki? Chocolate? Mommy, my dress is all wet. I had a accident. Chocolate. WAHHHH. I don't want to wear my shoes, they are all wet. WAHHHH. Jazlyn, put your shoes on!

Moving on. A brief stop in the toy section would make everyone happy, right? Right? Wrong. Brody, who was nearly hoarse from crying at this point, neeeeeded to look at the toys. So, loving mother that I am, I unstrapped him, and set him free. He ran straight to the bottom shelf and cleared it as quickly as his little arms could do so. While I dutifully returned each item to its proper place, Brody ran to the other side of the aisle and cleared it as well. Back to the cage. This is war. Time to go. Jazlyn, put on your shoes. I ripped the girls away from their Barbieland fantasy, and quickly headed to the front, not waiting for the guaranteed objections.

I scanned the crowded check-out lanes and chose the shortest one. Can I have this candy, Mom? No! By this time, Brody was a writhing ball of screaming baby. How about this one? No! He clasped my shirt and pulled with all his might. I picked him up and I hugged him to my body. He pushed away. This one? No! We are not getting any candy! I put him down, he wanted up. I picked him up, he tried to wiggle down, whining like I was really starting to annoy him. (Me annoy him!) People were starting to sneak glances in our direction. Ten minutes passed like this. Was the person in front of me buying the whole store?? Mooom, Look! Look! Jazlyn opened a candy!

That's it. We are outta here. I threw the two pairs of baby pants on top of the Coca-Cola case at the end of the lane, grabbed the candy and shoved it back on the shelf and turned to make our escape. Jazlyn was sobbing about wanting the candy. Brody was sobbing because he wanted freedom. The lady behind me looked so startled at my blazing eyes of fire, that I think I froze her. With my fire. She made a feeble attempt to move out of my way, but I wasn't going to wait. I circled her, and marched out the door, with every eye upon us. I was the horrible mom, with two sobbing children, with blazing eyes of fire. We marched out into the parking lot. Sophia, the only one not crying, dutifully stuck by my side, until she tripped and fell, scraping her knee. There we go. Now all three were crying. And where was our car? Wandering the parking lot with three sobbing children, and every eye in a three-mile range heaping their judgements upon you, is not fun. I'm just sayin.

We finally found it. I changed diapers. I breathed deeply. I gave hugs. I asked for forgiveness. We went home. Glorious home. Shopping is overrated.

The End.

P.S. Jazlyn's shoes never made it home. And I am not going back for them.